I'm Going Slightly Mad
by GingershotaTed
Summary: This is about a disorder that I've never really seen anything written about, besides the obvious educational "self-help" purposed books that are out there. And I wanted to bring awareness to it in my own way. It's not something that is too well known, and not as huge as something like ADD, or autism. But it's something close to my heart.
1. Chapter 1

**Hey, it's Ted. I'm going to be writing this for a while. I don't know if I'll ever actually finish it though. This is not a fanfic, and its more non-fiction than fiction. It's about living with a disorder that I've never seen too much about that I wanted to write about. Whenever I go around, I always see fanfics or stories where people give the characters certain serious disorders or disabilities like eating and learning disorders, or autism, or whatever. But I never see anything about this.**

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 **Chapter One**

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 ***The whole story is going to be a single P.O.V. so I'm not going to bother to write it***

I start off my day just like any other. I wake up, freshen up, get dressed, and continue on with the rest of my morning routine. I grab my stuff and I'm out the door to get my friend and go to school. I'm seventeen, and unfortunately I don't drive, nor do I have my license anyway. We take the bus to our school, where I am taking a class for medical professionals. On the bus, I drown out the rest of the world by blasting my music into my ears. I know what they say, don't play music too loud when you have headphones, it could make you go deaf. Well, frankly, I'd prefer to be deaf than live with this. Then at least there would be peace.

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My bus arrives at the school and we get off, I keep my headphones on for the rest of the time. Into the cafeteria we go where those who haven't yet had anything to eat can get breakfast, I go and sit down at my regular table while my friend walks off. I take off one headphone to hear the world around me as my friend comes back and talks to me as well as a few others who are in her class. After about ten minutes the bell rings indicating the end of breakfast before first period starts. I turn my blasting music back on and weave my way through the sea of people to get to my locker and then my first class. I keep the music on as I enter the room, but quickly switch to listening on my computer. Don't question why, we aren't allowed to have our phones out and I don't want to risk trouble.

More and more students fill the room and the bell rings. I remove one headphone again as the teacher starts to talk. It doesn't last long though as one of the girls pulls out a pack of gum that she shares with a few friends next to her and a sense of panic washes over me.

'Oh God, no' is what goes through my head. I wish I could get through one day peacefully without feeling this way, but I cannot. As the girls remove the wrap from their gum and plop in in their mouths the feeling of panic grows stronger as I continue to stare at them. I can't stop. And as they begin to chew I force myself to turn the other way and put the other headphone back on, unfortunately, my teacher is still talking. But I have to do this before I go into an attack.

You may be thinking, "well why don't you just look away, ignore it, it shouldn't bother you that much." Well, believe me, I wish I could. I wish it was that easy for me but it isn't. Any small, repetitive, or otherwise obnoxious sound can make me go into a panic attack. I've suffered with it. And my education is what pays the price.

And you see, this is just the beginning of the school day, only the first hour of my torture has passed. Through blaring music, but also in silence. I have to survive six more hours of this. I don't think I can make it.

It makes me wish I was deaf. Something that could make me feel more normal than this does. Makes me feel like I'm not going insane, just because someone is typing on a computer, or chewing food, or humming, or laughing, or any of the other things I can't stand. But this is my life. This is what I go through every day, even at home. I have SPD, or Sensory Processing Disorder. It is my living Hell.

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 **So, here is the first chapter. And in my opinion it's just kinda like, "eh…..". Not really how I wanted it to go, but I'm gonna keep writing it. It probably won't last that long if I do finish it. What I want to say about this is that this disorder, SPD is something that I actually have. It emotionally painful and exhausting and I'm not gonna go into detail about it now, I'll do that in the next chapter.**

 **So, until next time, peace**

 **-Ted**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey guys, I'm back with the next chapter! Thanks to you guys for reviewing and favouriting and following!**

 **Qoheleth: Basically this is about my experience with this disorder because I never see anyone actually telling personal stories about it like others tend to do when dealing with ADD or sometimes Autism or any other thing.**

 **PopcornWolf10: Thanks! I'm glad you can sort of understand it even if it's from more of an outside perspective. SPD in a way is a lot like Autism and the two tend to be related but I don't have the autism part (as far as I know).**

 **Anyway, onto chapter 2!**

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 **Chapter Two**

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The bell rings for the end of this class and the beginning of lunch. I go to my locker and head directly for the library. Usually when I go here I either work or watch Netflix or fool around. I don't usually eat at school partially because I'm never hungry then, but also because SPD makes me quite picky to certain foods and being here at the library is honestly easier than convincing my friends at the cafeteria that I'm not just starving myself. I keep my headphones on despite the fact that the library rarely ever gets loud with the triggering noises that I can't stand.

My headphones have become more of a precaution than anything. They're a safe haven- a place that I can escape to when I can't actually escape. And I've been allowed that, the school allows me this.

Once lunch is over I pack up my stuff and head to my next class, Chemistry, and make sure my music is up to keep me calm. It's not that Chemistry involves a lot of typing, but more than half the time this year, most of the class usually enters with gum in their mouths, including our teacher sometimes, and chew it obnoxiously. It's infuriating for me, especially since very few people actually know that I struggle with this problem, only the teachers and a few select friends that I can trust with it. Because no one else would understand. We have notes today and I focus on those, copying them into my notebook. One of the girls in front of me has been talking to her friend and laughs. I flinch un-noticeably. That's another one of my many triggers- not everyone, but certain people laughing.

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After Chemistry I go to my English college course. English is never that bad, but it does have two of my most triggering fellow students in it as well as a girl who is always frequently typing and a boy who likes to tap on his desk. If it weren't for my headphones, I probably would go insane. However, they don't save me from the girl behind me at angle that likes to swing her legs. My eyes just happen to catch it and I can't stop paying attention to it despite how I look away, it's still in the corner of my eye.

This might sound as though these things have made me hate these people, that I create enemies through it, but no. In fact, I'm lucky enough to be able to call some of these people my friends, they just don't know about my problem. I do really like most of the people I've met here. But SPD has this way of making everyone the enemy for the amount of time they are triggering me. I constantly wonder what it would be like if I didn't have this. How nice it would be. I would probably be able to interact more and not seem so reserved at hateful and closed off. I hate it.

English quickly passes and I'm on to my college Algebra course. No one in this class really bothers me except for one person who sits next to me. I'm usually the first person in this class so I set my stuff down at my desk, grab what I need, keep my headphones on and turn my seat in as much of the complete opposite direction from the girl as I can, to avoid any distractions while I do my work. That's basically all this class is, except for when we have notes. It's all usually just the MathXL program that teachers have adapted to. And After this it's onto my college History class.

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Yes, I'm in three college classes despite what I said about SPD taking a toll on my education. But it does, it steals my focus away from the lesson, but miraculously in the most recent years, I've still be able to succeed, albeit just barely. This has taken a toll on my education for years though, despite me or my mother not realizing it. On top of having ADD, it has made me struggle through the elementary and middle school years- since about fourth grade. In my social life, it has affected me since the age of six- we had no idea what it was so we had no idea that there could have ever been a treatment.

I get through my last class of the day with relative ease. It is also mostly silent individual work save the few times we take notes, and I'm able to keep my music and headphones on for the whole entire class. However, this class is in one of the worst spots when it comes to internet connection occasionally. I've run into a few miserable attempts to stay calm. One of them being months back. I could not connect to the wifi that I depend on so dearly on my phone or my laptop, nor would data work. This wouldn't be as much of a problem if then the sounds of typing on keyboards and the biting down and chewing of an apple, and of gum weren't happening directly behind me. My friend next to me- she knows that I have this disorder and is nice enough to respect it, but doesn't really know anything about it- is focused on her work. I no longer can on mine despite how hard I try. I pull out a stress ball, try to focus on deep breathing, trying to do everything to get me through the last half hour of the day. I only last 10 minutes before it's escalated completely. I feel my eyes burning with tears, my heart is racing and my throat is closing up.

I get up and get to the teacher, choking out that I need to leave. In my panic I can tell that she was confused- this was before any of the teachers knew- but my main teacher had witnessed a few moments like this in the year before. She lets me go and I keep myself from sprinting from the room. I go around the corner and focus on my phone, trying to get the wifi connection to work- or the data to work. The fact that it still doesn't makes my panic rise even more as I become more frustrated. I try to get myself to breathe. I start pacing around in circles, pulling at my hair, pulling at my clothes, scratching my arms- anything that I can get my frustration out on. After about five minutes I walk back in-still jittery and high strung, and quite sensitive after my panic attack. I sit back down at my desk and go two minutes before it all starts back up again and I leave once more. This one lasts ten minutes, me repeating my same actions as the first attack before I finally get something to work on my phone while I use data. I stay 2 more minutes in the hallway listening to what I have playing and de-escalating myself as I text my mother to keep her informed of what had happened. I re-enter the room- still VERY high-strung. However, people continue focusing on their work. My teacher pulls me over and asks if I'm okay, to which I simply nod and sit back down at my desk. I keep my eyes straight on my computer and manage to finish my work just in time before school is over. I look around at the people who sit around me that are packing up their things.

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I don't know if anyone noticed my hysteria, or if they did, they didn't say anything. After the experience I am more reserved than usual as I wait with everyone else for the bell to ring, my music blasting in my ears. I don't care if anyone else can hear it, I need it to calm down. I speed walk to my bus and talk to my best friend of over a decade and finally de-escalate completely. I'm on my way home.

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 **So…..yeah. That was chapter two. What happened in my history class is not recent. That moment had happened a few months ago, before any of my teachers knew about my SPD, but my main class teacher has seen me have panic attacks before because I have her for two years. This story is probably going to be short because most days with SPD for me at school are relatively the same so I won't go in to detail about every day, but there are certain events that I will write about.**

 **So, until next time, peace**

 **-Ted**


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